Hi David' First off' I think you have a heart filled with an immensity of compassion' and I also continually meditate on the millions who didn't survive before treatments were finally released and made available if you have read my story' you might understand the levels I went through' concerning the infected' especially the gay community' as I got it" through gang rape' but we grow' we process' we" survive! I came to realize' as much as I was keeping myself alive' participating in well over 100 trial studies' between' 1987-2006' I was honoring the dead' by bringing hope to the living infected. Remember' my friend' " I hope" every day you live in the sun' meal you experience' hand you touch' laugh you express' tear you shed' you also experience for the dead. Xo LIVE! Live.

Hey again Dave LOL:
I have been positive for 27 years and the last 8 of those hiv/aids. Back in 1995 I lost my best friends to Aids and in 1997 I lost my Twin Brother to Aids. And during those years seemed like every other day someone I knew died. So I totally get it. I have spent most of my life waiting to die, but God has other plans for me I guess. I can remember when people that were hiv- wished they were positive because they felt left out. Crazy right. LOL. It was a horrible time filled with alot of tragedy. I don't know if I felt guilty being alive,but I will never understand why I am still alive. Losing my twin brother took a toll on me. And I still wonder why am I still here 21 years later. Some say that us long term survivors are the lucky ones. buy it comes with it's own challenges. You are very right that the young ones these days just don't understand and never will because they were not there when this was a death sentence. They didn't watch people they love die in front of them because there was nothing to be done. When they are given there diagnoses it came with medicine to keep them healthy and alive. When I was diagnosed they asked if I had any questions. And to enjoy my life because this will take my life. and that there is no cure or medicine. LOL.
So I don't remember feeling any guilt, but have often thought that being one who survived has been difficult to comprehend. And have spent many years of my life grieving for all the loss. Especially when my twin brother died. That one I will never get over, but have been able to put it in the right place and continue on with my life. And that is much easier said then done sometimes.

I can remember when it was being discussed shipping all gay people with hiv to an island and leaving us there to die. Things have com along ways.

David, I do understand. In the 90's I stayed in black. You would take a break at work and see someone and all you'd say is, " where's the services at and can I bring someone". It became to a point that funerals were a part of your social life. I don't really go to wakes and funerals any more. I only celebrate someones life not their death. I did always wonder why GOD would let me live and the ones I cared about would be gone. I've come to realize that we have work on this earth to do. I'm here to spread LOVE and educate those who do not have the knowledge of how to protect themselves as well as others. To understand that this virus doesn't care who you are, it just wants to get inside of you. So with every part of my being, I will always educate everyone until my last breathe is taken. So you have to find out what you need to do on this earth to make a difference, so you won't feel the guilt any longer.. I hope that this will help you in some way.

Good thing no one really gets it anymore, means time have changed. Guess I now need to change, but I am stuck somewhere without friends/family & drained emotionally...

Hola, te agrego a mi equipo. Sí, también leí lo que escribiste. Tuve eso a principios de los 90, después de conocer a chicos en un grupo de rap sobre SIDA y VIH. La mayoría de ellos murieron, así que yo también quiero. Me deprimí cuando morí también. Pero conocí a un chico que no se rendiría conmigo. Bueno, ahora, después de 16 años separados y divorciados durante 4 años, me alegro de que no se haya rendido conmigo y me mantenga viva también.

Hi I add you to my team .Yes I read what you wrote too . I had that in early 90's after I meet guys in a rap group of Aids and HIV. Most all of them died so I want too .I got depressed about it when on a died too. But I meet a guy who wouldn't give up on me .Well now after 16 years apart and divorced 4 years from him I am glad that he didn't give up on me keep me live too .